I already lamented over the paint job to the face I received from the slate last week in the Monday Night Preview article. Josh Jacobs‘ chalk hitting, DK Metcalf‘s injury, and the Falcons’ egregious pass rate did me in. How the fuck did Atlanta only throw the ball 13 times? My only solution is that Arthur Smith should be banned from coaching football at all levels for both that and his inability to get Kyle Pitts the ball.

Monday Night was no better than Sunday. I faded Fields and watched him unveil it onto Belichick’s forehead for 60 minutes.

Some of my followers may have noticed that I was featured in a New York Post article this week. I can confirm that it was me.

It’s time for the plays.

I hate doing this but I’m going back to the Kirk Cousins well. The last time I drank from this well I almost fucking died while Kirk stumbled his way to 16 points against the Dolphins in week 6. This Cardinals defense is absolutely horse-ass, there’s no other way to put it. Andy “Red Cock Rocket” Dalton just threw for 360 yards and 4 TDs on them last Thursday. This game is somehow only the third-highest total on the slate despite featuring the 5th and 8th worst defenses in passing yards allowed. If Kirk cannot at least get us the passing boner this week it’s time to retire playing him for good.

This article isn’t for cash games, but Sam Ehlinger at $4k is an absurd price. Robins fucked up again. I’d assume the thought was that Dick Folds would be the next in line, but clearly, Frank Reich had other ideas. This is one of the worst games on the slate (39.5 total), but when there is value like this you cannot pass it up. I don’t think it’s even necessary to stack him at that price, it just allows an almost infinite salary for anything else.

You’re either playing Hurts or you’re going value at QB this week. I’m absolutely sickened by the list of QBs I’ve put together here so I’ll add another. It’s Jared Goff time. The other side of this stack looks a bit chalkier and I don’t think you’re really getting much (if any) less of a ceiling going Goff over Tua Tugmydickailoa. This is the top game total on the slate, with the Lions allowing the most yards in the NFL and the Dolphins the 12th most. Here’s a shot of me when Goff erupts in a Dolphins-Lions shootout:

It’s King Henry week again. He somehow had 33 touches last game without a touchdown, but we all saw the volcanic explosion of jizz Josh Jacobs just showered the Texans with last week and that’s Henry’s next opponent. In his last 3 matchups against Houston, he’s averaged 224 yards and 2.33 TDs. This year’s Houston run D is as bad as ever. They are the worst rushing defense in the NFL, allowing almost 165 yards per game. I think it’s safe to say his python is coming out this weekend for a dragging.

I thought about playing Tony Pollard until I saw a 50% ownership projection. That’s just too much for me. One of the better pivots is Michael Carter at under 5% ownership for $200 less. The Patriots are allowing almost 5 yards per carry and the 7th most rushing yards per game in the NFL. Have you ever seen a TV break from a dick rod hitting it with the force of a rocket? That will be the scene in my living room on Sunday when Carter breaks off a 70-yarder in the second quarter.

The last two running backs I like this week are Raheem Mostert and Kenneth Walker III.

I’m playing as many players against this Lions’ defense as possible. It is fucking terrible. Colonel Mostert will be many of my lineups that don’t contain the Dolphins’ pass game. This might be a chalk guzzle, but the matchup and price are too good to pass up. I’ll get unique elsewhere.

Walker’s price ($6.5k) is still way too fucking low, by at least $1k. If we thought the Chargers were bad against the run he gets an even better matchup this week against the Giants, who are allowing 5.7 YPC. Pete Carroll is absolutely pounding the rock with Walker and I’ll be playing him every week until Robins makes him a reasonable price. I found a video of Walker explaining what he’s doing in Seattle on Sunday:

I’ll be playing Ehlinger solo and creating mini-stacks in the lineups with him. That game isn’t really one that I’d like to stack and Ehlinger hardly has to do anything to be in the optimal so it’s likely best just to play him naked.

I’m physically ill looking at the QBs/stacks I’ve chosen this week. These Goff stacks are purely a result of game script, game total, and the ability to easily get onto Tyreek Hill. The Sun God is back at practice and it’s time for Jared Goff doubles. My favorite stack from this game is Goff-ASB–Reynolds with a Tyreek comeback. I’ll have some Waddler too, but I can’t stop clicking Tyreek. There is no fucking around against this Lions D, it’s so bad. I’m going to be balls deep.

I’ve tried a few Cousins stacks and the salary gets pencil-dick thin when you try to jam Jefferson, Thielen, and Hopkins in one lineup so I’ll probably end up with mostly Jefferson-Irv on the Vikings side. His price is high ($9.1k), but Jefferson hasn’t scored a touchdown since week 1 and still has had two 30+ point performances. Here’s a live shot of me when the positive regression hits and he goes for 150 and 2 touchdowns:

A few other WR I like this week:

• Davante Adams (flop lag from last week and a dogshit Saints defense. Maybe another cameraman gets bold?)
• Chris Olave (Raiders are allowing the 6th-most passing yards per game)
• DeVonta Smith (The Steelers are a completely useless, limp dick against the pass. This is a good way to get some exposure without stacking the game)
• Wan’Dale Robinson (Borderline lock at $4.7k against the fucking Seacocks)
• George Pickens (Mini-stack with Smith in a very good game script)
• Marquez Callaway (Second-most routes and targets on the team last week. A dart throw ($3.7k) in the second-highest game total on the slate.

Two weeks in a row. There’s almost nothing better than a week where you don’t even have to consider the ribless TEs from ~$4.5k-$5.5k, who do nothing more than gurgle their own dicks for the entire game. My favorite TEs this week are Irv Smith Jr., Noah Fant, Schultz (great leverage off of chalk Freier), and if I’m eating some chalk it’s going to be Higbee. He had 14 targets last time they played SF, likely as a result of their OL getting absolutely dick-dusted, forcing Staffy to throw short.

I struggled with the defenses this week. Where they fit, SF is by far the best play against a dogshit Rams OL that they already painted jobbed once this year. The other defenses I like are the Saints (Carr), Jets (Mac Jones), Giants, and Rams (Pornstar Jimmy G).

It’s time for the week 8 Cash God Guarantee. DeAndre Hopkins in a dome against one of the worst (maybe the worst) defenses in the NFL? I might break my keyboard by slamming the button with my entire ballsack to get him into as many lineups as I can. Kyler fucking locks onto him and throws to no almost no one else. At $7.4k it feels like we are getting 15 targets at a discount against an ass defense. Here is a live look at me realizing I need to call the doctor to tend to my 4+ hour boner on Sunday:

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I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

Cover photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images