Bears GM, Tank Commander Poles woke up with the biggest erection of his life on Monday morning after seeing Fields blast off and lose (salvaging their top 5 pick odds). Fields is clearly in play every week now that HC Eberflus has removed his head from his own anus.

Nothing went egregiously wrong last week. I played Fields, but apparently I played the wrong Watson and had to eat my words on the Packers’ offense, while watching Christian Watson (the other Watson) uncoil his hose on the Cowboys’ defense for 60 minutes. I wasn’t able to get as much Pollard as I would’ve liked and my only Christian Kirk lineups had Lawrence so I was fucked there.

Here’s a live look at Fields this season dragging this useless Bears team to relevance. If you look close enough you can see Poles sitting in the tank.

Onto the plays.

The clear best QB this week is Dak Prescott. This is one of the best games on the slate with a 47.5 total against a Vikings’ defense that has allowed the fourth-most passing yards in the NFL. The Vikings defense is “bend but don’t break” while somehow only 14th in points allowed. This has to regress to the mean eventually and it could be as soon as this week. I expect this game to shoot out and I want as many players as possible.

Josh Allen and the Bills have lost two straight so they are no doubt looking to blast off this weekend. The game was moved to Detroit, which means Josh Allen will be unsheathing his dick in one of the most favorable environments in the NFL against a struggling Browns pass defense that just allowed 39 to Miami. Allen has played in a dome 4 times in his career. In those games, he has averaged 20 extra yards passing and has 10 TDs. The data is clear. The sword is coming out of its holster this weekend.

Sometimes you just have to get aboard the train and allow greatness to happen. Justin Fields seems unfadable and the best matchup to date is on deck. The Falcons are the equivalent of a deflated horse cock on defense, allowing the most passing yards in the NFL. He might be higher ownership again, but for $600-$800 less than any of the top QBs you get a similar ceiling. There was a report that Fields needed to tape his dick to his leg like Patrick Ewing, and I believe it.

I’m not sure if this Commander’s O-Line is dogshit or if these running backs are just the most inefficient duo of all time, but I’m ready for the Brian Robinson dicks out game. Since recovering from his wound, he’s been eased back into action culminating in a season-high 43 snaps on Monday night in their dick blasting of the Eagles. He ran the ball hard all night and I have no doubt Riverboat beat one off to that tape on Tuesday morning, or maybe even Monday night on the plane home. The Texans are the worst run defense in the league, allowing 182 yards per game. It won’t matter that he splits work with Gibson at his price ($5.3k).

Speaking of ass defenses, the Bears have completely mailed it in and a Patterson revenge game is on the horizon. Fields has been pushing games for the past 4 weeks and this game has the second highest total on the slate so I’d like to have as many pieces in this game as I can get. I cannot imagine that they let Allgeier out-touch Patterson again, but you never know with Falcon’s coach Arthur Smith.

The Cowboys have a huge problem stopping the run and Chef Cook is about to whip up a batch of fettuccine alfredo with a little extra sauce. There was talk of him losing a step, but he went dicks out last week and his snap counts are still elite. Kirk will be under pressure in this game against a good Dallas pass rush and I expect the Vikings to exploit a defense that just allowed Aaron Jones to rush for 138 on 5.8 YPC.

I’m going back to the fucking well on Jonathan Taylor. I’m just gonna say it. There is a 0% chance Jeff Saturday didn’t need to get his dick drained after seeing the Commanders run the ball 49 times against the Eagles and then looking at the Colts’ next opponent. The Raiders are the worst team in the NFL, but the Colts looked like a different team with Saturday. The Eagles’ weakness is on the ground and Taylor will be exploiting it all day on Sunday. Jeff Saturday is about to go to fucking Poundland on Sunday.

I tried out a few Dak stacks because I was worried that it would become the shampoo bottle-dick situation again, but it’s not. Dak-Lamb–Gallup with Jefferson on the comeback is the best stack on the slate in a game with the second-highest total. Kirk Cousins has finally realized that he can throw anything to Jefferson and it will be caught. I’m a bit worried about that Jefferson price, but if this game erupts he will be part of it.

This Browns defense is in tough shape and they are about to play a Bills team coming off of 2 huge losses in a stadium that people call “The Coors Field of the NFL”. The Bills have a tendency to leave their foot firmly on the gas even if they are blowing the doors off of a team so I have no worries about the game script. I’ll be playing Diggs as much as possible along with Cooper/Peoples-Jones as comebacks. I’ve seen the Cooper road splits and if it fucks me again it fucks me, but at least this one is indoors.

In my Fields stacks, I’ll have mostly Mooney or Kmet single stacks with Patterson or London as the comeback. This game has a high total, but the Falcons can be a DFS dead zone at times because of their aversion to passing the ball. When Fields busts his dick out for a couple 80-yard rushing TDs/a Mooney bomb they’ll have no choice. Here’s Bears HC Eberflus taking a look at this Falcons’ defensive tape:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Amon-Ra St. Brown – This price ($7.2k) is not quite where it should be yet, but if the ownership gets high enough he might be a good fade in a game that feels ugly.
• Tyler Boyd -The Steelers D is donkey dick
• Sutton these nuts – Raiders pass D is the 6th-worst in the NFL
• Jakobi Meyers – My favorite one-off play for price and projected volume.
• Darius Slayton – The Lions are so fucking bad and he’s the only receiver alive on this team.
• Ben Skowronek – I am going to have an irresponsible amount of him for savings and am already seeing a 0, but we ride at dawn.

–Tight Ends–

As usual, I’d like to spend as little as possible on these tight ends. I’ll have some Dalton Schultz in the Dak stacks, some Greg Dulcich for salary savings, and some Tyler Higbee. Higbee is going to be under-owned and should be fucking peppered with targets after Cooper Kupp’s injury. I will also have Kmet in Fields lineups and some Logan Thomas. Thomas ran the second-most routes on the team against Philly and is only $2.8k.

–Defense–

I’m only seeing two defenses projected over 10% owned so it’s wide open this week. A few of my favorites are the Jets (Robert Saleh fuck ’em narrative), the Rams (Andy Dalton inexplicably still starting for the Saints), Houston (Ghost of Culley), the Colts (home D salary savings), and the Commanders against a dogshit Houston team.

–Cash God Guarantee–

It’s time to get back to the roots for the Cash God Guarantee. It’s Gabe Davis time. I already went over all the Josh Allen dome stats, but I expect another Gabe Davis blowup game this weekend in Detroit. What better way to release the anger of losing two straight games than to launch deep balls to Gabe Davis all game? Don’t worry, I’ve already warned a doctor that I will most likely need my dick drained on Sunday afternoon when Gabe inevitably hits the 200-yard mark at 5% ownership.

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Photo: USA Today/Gary A. Vasquez