The unthinkable happened last week. I had a 6/6 that didn’t cash. Zalatoris had his worst day in the job. It would’ve been better had he just missed the cut and saved me any hope of cashing. The agony of opening the app on Sunday afternoon and seeing a 0 was overwhelming. I’m embarrassed to even admit it. Live shot of me checking:

Onto Valspar.

It’s a bit difficult to pick one of these chalk dusters at the top, but I have no choice but to play Justin Thomas. The other 3 don’t feel like they’re worth the price despite Burns having won this event in back-to-back years. Thomas is coming off a gurgling of his own scrotum last week, finishing T60 at THE PLAYERS. I expect him to come out firing this week and redeem himself, especially after hearing his complaining about them neutering the golf balls.

The more I look at this field the worse it gets. In the $9k range, I’m going back to the fucking well with Tommy Fleetwood. I was stroking my dick to his results through 3 days at THE PLAYERS, but he fizzled out by the end and ended up finishing T27. There’s no Rahm in this event so we don’t have to worry about a $12k salary eating into the rest of our lineup. At $9.8k, Fleetwood is likely a bit overpriced but hopefully that drives the ownership down a bit. He finished T16 at this event last year. Live shot of me immediately after seeing Fleetwood putt one in to move into the top 5 on Sunday:

In the $8ks my eyes immediately gravitated towards one name. Brandon Wu. His ownership projection is acceptable (11%) and he’s the only one with an acceptable slate of recent results. Outside of a missed cut at Riviera, he’s finished T2, T50, T14, and T19 in his last 5 tournaments. He also finished 33rd in this event last year. I can’t believe I’m prepared to pay $8.5k to play Wu, but that’s the state of this field.

In fields like this, I like to play the hits. With that being said, get to the fucking terminal and gas up the jet. We are going to Vegas. He had an absolutely abysmal showing last week at THE PLAYERS. A true self-sack gurgling. Before that he finished T21, T56, T23, and T25 in his first events this season. I expect a bounce-back week at an event he finished T27 at last year.

It’s time to bring a staple back out of the garage. It’s Patton “The Jizzer” Kizzire time once again. He’s projected under 1% ownership and that’s a deal I cannot pass up at $6.9k. The price being $6.9k feels like the witch’s kiss of destiny for him to win this tournament, but in reality, he’s a complete shot in the dark. I’ll be playing him this week regardless.

It’s time for the Cash God Guarantee. Get in the fucking car. We are going to Denny’s. The third time is the charm on Denny McCarthy as the CGG. He’s missed 2 cuts in his last 5 events but has a T4, a T14, and a T13 in the other 3. There aren’t many options in this field and Denny is one of the best at $9.3k. He has a top 10 at this event in 2020. There is no fucking way I’m going to miss the week that he finally wins one. Live look at my living room when I see him putt in a 3-footer for the win:

I’ll be back next week.

-CashGod-

If you like this content, please follow on Twitter and subscribe below.

• Twitter

Cover photo: Getty Images