The time is once again upon us. I barely made it through the PGA season without taking out a fucking loan to cover my weekly losses. It all started with the Zalatoris WD in April. I never recovered. I’m back and it’s time to win it all back in one week.

I’m finishing this immediately after the Chiefs-Lions game. Let’s just say it was a slow start for me on DraftKings.

Live shot of me along with all the other duped fish during the Thursday night game:

It’s time for the week 1 plays.

–Quarterbacks-

We all know everyone is going to be whacking off to this Miami-LAC game, but there are definitely some early games that I like just as much.

I’m playing Deshaun Watson. He’s either going to be complete dog dick or be the top scorer of the week. This game is the second highest total on the slate and the stacks just build themselves. There is no chance I am going to miss the week that Watson goes off so I’ll go down with the ship if he is ass this week.

I know I just said everyone is going to be whacking off the Miami-LAC game, but I am now going to be joining in. I tried some Herbert stacks and he owes me so much fucking money from last year it’s only right. This is the highest game total on the slate, in a dome, and two of the best offenses in the league. I can only imagine the ownership on this game but I’ll get different in other spots or just gurgle the chalk like a fucking fish.

I can’t imagine being late on Anthony fucking Richardson. There is a chance he is complete shit, but I’m willing to roll the dice before we see any regular season games. The only thing holding me back is the Colts having one of the lowest team totals on the slate. I think the Jags will push the pace and force the Colts to pass, creating enough opportunities for Richardson to whip his cock out. Live shot of me come Sunday night:

–Running backs–

This slate came together very quickly for me. There is a shocking amount of value at running back this week. Nothing brings me to full mast quicker than that.

My favorite running back this week is Raheem Mostert. It’s finally fucking time for this guy to pay off. There is nothing I like about playing a 31-year-old running back, but at that price and ownership, I can’t help myself. The Chargers defense has been absolute dog shit ever since Staley took over however many years ago. This is the highest-scoring game on the slate and this is the best way to avoid some of the chalk in it.

Another running back I like this week is Brian Robinson. I don’t think there is any way of knowing for sure what the fuck is going on in this backfield, but if I remember anything from last year it was Robinson getting an obscene amount of carries down the stretch. The split was very clear and the Commanders are 7-point home favorites. I’ll let you all do the math on what that means for Robinson’s carries.

The other two I like most are Ekeler and Javonte Williams. I don’t think much needs to be said about Ekeler, but Javonte Williams is about to uncoil his fucking cock. I heard a quote from Sean Payton insinuating the same. He’s ready. Jamming as many of these 5k running backs into my lineups will allow me to spend as much as I want on receivers. Live shot of me when these pay off:

The Deshaun Watson stacks are simple. Cooper and Elijah Moore with a Chase comeback. Elijah Moore is another player that owes me so much fucking money. I don’t know how many times I waited for the breakout to happen last year, including going all in week 1. The Browns-Bengals game is the most appealing game on the slate outside of LAC-MIA and I expect Moore to paint job the field for a full 60 minutes.

I will likely go mostly single stacks (Richardson-Pittman) with a Calvin Ridley comeback. If Richardson finds his ceiling a lot of it will be on the ground so I can’t imagine he will be able to sustain more than one receiver. I’m a sucker for playing Mo Alie-Cocks, but that can wait for another week.

This LAC-MIA game will be the highest owned, but it looks like most of the ownership is going to be fairly spread out. At 19% I’ll fade Hill and go with a Herbert-Keenan-Mike Williams stack with The Waddler. The Chargers ran the second most plays in the league last year and it won’t be any slower this year. Kellen Moore and Herbert will be helicopter dicking in LA early and often. Live look in at Kevin Harlan describing Herbert’s rod when 5pm rolls around this Sunday:

A few other WRs I like this week:

• Shit Chest – If you think I’m not playing Odell in his first week back think again. The Texans are still one of the worst teams in the league he has a good chance of an explosion.
• Deebo – He basically said he’s back after a slower/injury year. There’s no way I’m passing him at $5.5k with a limp dick elbow Purdy playing.
• Courtland Sutton – I am fully aboard the Russ train again this year. Hackjobb was complete dogshit. The difference will be night and day.
• Jahan Dotson – Arizona is one of the worst defenses in the league and McLaurin had a turf toe injury less than a week ago.
• Zay Flowers – I’m not passing up on chance to play him while he’s cheap. I remember not playing Marquise Brown his rookie year week 1 and it cost me a milly win. I might even end up with some Lamar now too.

TE looks like a fucking disaster with not nearly enough punts. I will be playing Luke Musgrave like he’s Travis Kelce. In almost every fucking lineup. The only other tight ends I considered are Kyle Pitts (the amount he owes me…) and Chigoziem Okonkwo.

If you think I’m going anywhere near the Commander’s D think again. There is nothing that can get me to play a chalk defense. It could be a lucky fan inserted as the Cardinals QB and I still would fade. My favorite defense this week is Arizona for the ultimate leverage. Sam “Trubisky” Howell is liable to be complete dogshit and everyone is piling on the Commanders D so what better time? The others I’ll play are Carolina, Tennessee, and Green Bay.

It’s time for the week 1 Cash God Guarantee. It’s Amari Cooper. He and DeShaun Watson are flying under the radar and there is no way I’m missing the first week of this. At $5.8k and less than 10% ownership projection I am going to have an irresponsible amount of lineups with him. Outside of the LAC-MIA game this is the clear second best with a 47.5 total. Live shot of me after galaxy braining the milly maker winner:

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