We are fucking back. 2 games in and I’m already down 100%. I was parading around almost all week about not drafting anyone over the age of 26, even going as far as taking an early victory lap after Mark Andrews removed a rib and sucked his own dick on Thursday night. Then Barkley had a tape removal ceremony on Friday night. I’m chalking that one up to that dogshit field and the Packers being dog ass.

Two warmup games in and I’m ready for the main slate:

I’m playing 3 QBs this week.

Kyler Murray is the first. This game is my favorite on the slate. It has the third highest over under at 47.5 but will have significantly less ownership than the top 2. Kyler has an actual full offseason behind him, last year hardly counted because of the ACL tear and people are forgetting. I originally thought Josh Allen was the play but his ownership will be almost double and I don’t want to be strapped to Dalton Kincaid as a primary pass catcher. This is one of my favorite plays on the slate in my favorite game of the slate. There is almost zero chance he doesn’t hit at $6.4k and sub 5 ownership %.

I’m going off the board a bit with this next one but it’s Sammy fucking D time. Darnold is on his best team and has big KOC calling plays. I can’t name one player in this Giants secondary and if you don’t think Jefferson is about to drag his cock up and down the field on these guys I don’t know what to tell you. Darnold at $5.2k is the second best value on the slate (behind this next guy). I’m going to be helicopter dicking in the living room early and often watching this Vikings game.

There is no chance I’m passing Justin Fields at $5k. I had Caleb Williams written up but I can’t let this one slip by. The range of possibilities is anywhere from 10 points to 40, but at that price it hardly matters. This isn’t the best game on the slate but it could get wild in a hurry if he busts a long run or two and Kirk gets cooking on the other side. A dome game in Atlanta week 1 – I’ve never seen it not be a shootout. Live shot of Fields slapping the Falcons:

I don’t think you can fade Achane at $6.8k while he is healthy. He will be a bit higher owned but somehow geezer Kamara is projected for even higher ownership at a similar price. I saw Achane paint job teams again and again last year and I’m not missing it this time. He’s a borderline lock in the highest total game on the slate.

The second RB I’m playing this week is Javonte Williams. “Best shape of my life”. We hear this shit every year with multiple players, but this one I think I believe. He was coming off of a major knee injury last year so I’m going to consider that a throwaway year and he’s either going to be a new player this year or he’s washed. It’s best to be ahead of the price and ownership increases here so I’m going to play him against one of the worst rushing defenses in the NFL.

James Cook might be my favorite running back on the slate. He’s facing a dogshit Cardinals team as a large home favorite. How is there a better spot on the slate? There’s also some potential leverage off of Josh Allen if he scores a couple rushing TDs. I expect this game to go dicks out so it’s more about getting as many players in this game as possible, but he is clearly the best play at RB this week and will be low owned. Live shot of me when Cook runs his third in:

The stacks are simple in the Kyler Murray game. I’ve seen him lock onto a receiver before and I will have nearly 100% Marvin Harrison Jr. That’s a high price for a rookie receiver but I don’t give a fuck. This ownership % and this game environment are too good to pass up. I will have him in every Kyler lineup with some Michael Wilson and McBride stacks in there. Most of my comebacks will be Coleman and Kincaid. This is by far the best game on the slate.

I won’t be relying a ton on Fields stacks other than a single stack with Pickens or the Freir. The comebacks in that game are Bijan and London but I may isolate Fields a bit. I mostly just can’t witness Fields breaking the slate with his legs and not have at least some.

I’ve been jacking off these Darnold stacks for an entire offseason and I think I’ve finally landed on the optimal. Darnold-Jefferson-Mundt. Playing Mundt is fucking disgusting but at $2.9k you can just lock in Jefferson+Nabers in along with any of the running backs. This game is being severely under projected points-wise. Both defenses are dogshit and Daboll is coaching for his fucking life. He grabbed the clipboard himself this year. Live shot of Jefferson on any corner in sight on Sunday:

A few other WR mini-stacks I like this week:

• Davante Adams/Palmer comeback – I saw Adams’ comments, this one is personal. I told myself I was going to limit playing geezers but here I am
• DK Metcalf/Sutton comeback – DK said the best shape of his life line and now has the Washington OC
• DJ Moore/Keenan Allen + Ridley – It’s still early in the season so Keenan Allen (geezer) is playable. This is a good game in general and could be sneaky if Levis hits a few bombs.
• Amari Cooper/Lamb – I will always play the revenge games but wish it was in Dallas
• That Bengals guy – Iosivas. I wish it wasn’t this way but I don’t think you can fade him if Higgins and Chase both don’t play.

My tight ends this week will either be Mundt or one of those high priced guys in the stacks above. There’s no reason to play one of these $4k scrubs. That is self sucking dick range. I’m slightly worried about Pitts and Bowers but the rest of these guys are complete fucking ass shit. Pitts is projected at 25% ownership what could go wrong?

My favorite defense of the week is the Dolphins. This is going to be the highest scoring and highest owned game on the slate and I’m fading it entirely so this is the only way that works. A defensive touchdown would rocket my dick through the wall with the force of a jackhammer. I’m having trouble with other defenses. My next two are the Commanders against Baker and probably the Panthers against Carb.

It’s time for the week 1 Cash God Guarantee. It’s Justin Jefferson. I’m fading Tyreek this week so leverage-wise this is the best option along with playing the Dolphins defense. The Giants corners are some of the worst in the league there is almost no chance he doesn’t take his sack out. I can assure you Darnold will be able to get him the ball when he’s wide open. Live shot of me out on my afternoon stroll after Jefferson goes for 220 and 3:

Let’s do something special this week.

-TheCashGod

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