The time has come. We are back after what felt like the longest offseason of all time. We survived many things, like Diana Russini getting taken for a fucking backpack ride by Rodgers’ agent and Jerry Jones blasting off like he’s playing fantasy football in a free league. We are welcomed to week 1 by CMC appearing on the injury report and me getting fucking dick dusted by a Thursday Night Showdown where I captained George Pickens and didn’t play Hurts. Let’s ride.

Quarterbacks (2)

I’m playing 2 QBs this week.

[Kyler Murray – $6400]

This isn’t a great game on paper (lower total and two dogshit teams), but I think this has some sneaky shootout potential. I am having visions of them cutting to this game and it being a fucking Superdome shootout like it always is in there. Shaheed can break open games in one play and it just feels like everyone in this game is going to be underowned.

[Baker Mayfield – $6600]

I wanted to say Flaccid soooooo sooooooo badly here and still might slip him into one of my Milly Maker lineups, but the other play I love this week is Baker. Another dome game with cheap, easy stacks. That Bucs rookie WR is probably going to be way overowned but he’s cheap and you can play whatever the fuck you want even after building the top stacks in this game. I will not go another week where Baker is the Milly winner. Live shot of me beating my meat uncontrollably when he’s slinging the ball around for his 4th TD of the day:

Running Backs (2)

[Jonathan Taylor – $6800]

If you want to see a paint job look no further than Lucas Oil Stadium on Sunday afternoon. Taylor is my number 1 running back for the season and I will be playing him as long as he is healthy. $6800 is a legitimately absurd price. I already have my dick in hand and that’s not changing anytime soon. This is one of my favorite games on the slate and I’ll be mini-stacking this with my main stacks.

[Chuba Hubbard – $6000]

I actually fucking hate playing this guy but he seems to be one of the only playable running backs that isn’t going to be chalk. The Jags were complete dog ass cheeks vs the run last year and I expect their offense to push this game so this could turn out to be a good game environment overall. $6k is a bit steep for Chuba but would you rather play 40 year old James Conner at 20% ownership? Here’s a look at my sitting on the couch when Chuba hits the DK bonus early in the 3rd quarter:

Wide Receivers (2)

These are my favorite plays outside of the obvious stacks with my QBs above.

[Davante Adams – $6100]

I can barely get myself to click a geezer like this, but if there is ever a week to play him it’s week 1, for multiple reasons. Staffy has a herniated dick in his back so that’s a ticking time bomb. This is probably the only week Adams is a viable option and he comes at a cheap price with low ownership. If he’s washed then we will just have to deal with the fact that we fucked up, but in a week 1 you need to get a little nuts.

[Ricky Pearsall – $4500]

This is a legitimate lock. I was 50/50 on having him be the Cash God Guarantee this week. I’ve been pounding the fucking table with my dick like a jack hammer to get him in every single draft I’ve been in this offseason along with taking a fucking bath in a dynasty trade, but hindsight will show us that it is all worth it. $4,500 is absurd and if you don’t click him this week you will be playing for min cash AT BEST. You absolutely will not cash without him this week.

Tight Ends (2)

[Kyle Pitts – $4300]

I think we all knew this was coming. I’m ready for the pain again. This might finally be my last straw if he fucks me over though. I have no other words for this. Great game environment, I’m already playing Baker, etc etc. Fool me once shame on me, fool me twice shame on thee, fool me thrice I’m cutting my sack off on Twitter live.

[Brenton Strange $3300]

This is a complete punt but I’m high on the Jags offense in general (I’m jaggin off). Another punt I’d consider is Cade Otton in the Baker stacks or Ja’Tavion Sanders.

Defenses (2)

Play whateeeeeeever defense you want this week. I’ll be HEAVY on San Fransisco and Miami. They are way underpriced and underowned. Miami against Danny Dimes at 3% ownership? If you aren’t clicking that a few times what are you doing?

Cash God Guarantee

It’s Jaylen Waddle – $5700.

I explained above that I was strongly considering Pearsall – keep that in mind. Waddle is in an absolute dicks out spot in the 3rd highest total on the slate. Tyreek is likely somewhat washed, Tua is healthy, and this game is indoors. Waddle at 5% for only $5.7k in a potential eruption spot? I have cracked the fucking code like Shahid Khan.

Totally unrelated – does anyone know where I can buy a fish like this before Sunday?