Category: NFL

  • Week 12 Preview: Cash God’s Steel Pole

    At this point I think it’s fair to ask the question. Is it variance or is it the process? I got fucking dusted once again on the Thanksgiving slate. I’m either due for a win or maybe I’m just complete donkey ass. Send me to pasture like Jason Garrett. It looks like the cheap QBs…

  • Thanksgiving Special: Johnson’s Hog

    I am in complete shambles from the complete airball that was last Sunday. I didn’t cash a single fucking lineup and was jacking off the BIlls D all morning thinking I was a god damn genius. It turns out the joke is on me. They blow ass and Jonathon Taylor is god. I’ll keep this…

  • Week 11 Preview: Let the Chef Cook

    Yes, I am getting blasted by variance. There is almost nothing worse than opening the DK app and having the fucking “Winner!” popup show up only to see that you took a 50% loss on the day. Going heavy on Mike Williams and the CGG of McLaurin was enough to dust my sorry ass. The…

  • Week 10 Preview: Back to the Well

    I covered the basics of bad variance last week and I hate to report that this variance has continued to drain my DK account. I cut it too close to lock last week trying to run lineups and ended up having to bust out the train and submit the same one in all contests. I…

  • Week 9 Preview: It’s Volcano Week

    I’m going to chalk up the last few weeks to variance. The Kamara CGG ended up being fucking terrible, but if you had told me prior to the game that the Saints would score 36 points and Semen would come in at QB halfway through I would have gotten my dick out on the spot…

  • Week 8 Preview: Lights, Kamara, Action

    I’m late on the article this week. I was busy taking out a loan for the deposit I need to make after getting blasted once again last week by the Bucs late game. I haven’t been on the Bucs stack all year and my bank account knows it better than anyone. I’ll get right into…

  • Week 7 Preview: Press F1 to Break the Sound Barrier

    I’m about to deposit for the 5th straight day. These NBA slates have left a dick-shaped imprint on my forehead. When I say I need this NFL slate to go well I really mean it. At QB this week I’ll mostly be on Dick Hurts, Derek Carr (Hate the sin, love the man), Rodgers, and…

  • Week 6 Preview: The Seal of Approval

    It is Saturday afternoon and I’m trying to sift through the ass load of injuries that have rained down onto us like the toilet after 3 straight days of Chipotle. It’s the first week of byes so ownership was going to be more concentrated, but these injuries will make it even worse. I’ll get right…

  • Week 5 Preview: LEEEEEVERAGE Week

    I’m in Washington tilting my face off that I can’t enter DFS contests. Luckily I had already reserved a few before I left so I can edit those. The Cash God will not be denied. We have reached the point in the season that the information just flows through me and I become one with…

  • Week 4 Recap: Dicks Out – Finally

    Week 4 was by far my best week of the season. I didn’t get buried by some fucking duster like Ty’Son Williams or pick a shit CGG like Lockett. Speaking of Ty’Son, he was inactive this week and they gave 18 carries and 62% of the snaps at RB to the god damn Tay Train.…